Under My Skin

At 3:00am (a short while ago) I was inspired to write the following poem. For both those of you who are new readers if my blog and those of you who are long time readers, know that while this blog is typically an eating disorder pro-recovery blog, it has morphed into a self-exploration/contemplation blog and this poem is actually something I have written about my newest struggle: the diagnosis of late stage Chronic Lyme Disease.  The poem is entitled 'Under My Skin'.  Read if you feel so inclined.

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Under my skin

There are lots of things that get under my skin.

When people curse the name of God or the country they're living in--

When children are hurt and have no choice but to walk around on eggshells and pins--

When justice is served from an outside party instead of within--

Politicians whose rabble seems to have no end.

And talk show doctors who sell out to fit in.

And professionals testing extensively and expensively despite not knowing where to begin.

And celebrities who jump on the bandwagon for fame--for us, defeat, for them, a win.

Assertions that we'll never live fully again.

Ignoring the reality of our minds' din.

The clinging and clanging of pencils and pens,

And paper and lamplights and city trash bins.

All enough to make our minds whirl and heads spin.

And they wonder why such commonplace things get under my skin.

Perhaps it's worthwhile to consider again--

That all of these things get under my skin

because that's where it is--under my skin.

Sure, I may look fine but you see the outside, not in.

The war rages deep, my nerve system weeps, under my skin.

The aching and pain and confusion and rain all live together under my skin.

Because that's where it is--under my skin.

It attacks and desires for me to give in,

But I refuse to obey what's under my skin.

Yes, there are days I only stay in.

And yes, there are times I feel I can't win.

But my God is stronger--the Beginning and End.

So how can this monster under my skin

Make me doubt enough to give up or give in?

Since my God is the Beginning and the End,

I have hope that He'll carry me through, yet again.

He's proved it immeasurably through thick and thin--

How naive would I be to think He won't still win?

My struggles may seem insurmountable and I don't know when,

But I WILL get back to my full life again.

I will one day again skate for hours on end.

I will walk my dog several times 'round the bend.

I will drive my car around town, with windows down, and enjoy the wind.

I don't have a mind that is satisfied with 'mend'--

I operate on principles of 'healing completely'--with God on my team, worldly answers I'll transcend.

Because I do not accept this diminished functionality as my story's end.

God's writing my book as I travel the bends,

And the twists and the turns and the bumps and amends.

My story's not over--there's still more to go--more than I can even begin to comprehend.

But rest assured, I am a fighter, my friends.

And fight on I will, till God writes 'The End'

God is awesome (and a little bit ridiculous)

I just had to share a post I composed last night after a particularly good day yesterday.  Just copy/pasting the post here because I don't currently have the energy to type it again and fix all the timestamps, etc., that indicate last nigh.  So from 11:16pm on Tuesday, May 28, 2012 we have the following post:

May 28, 2013 11:16 PM

Okay, folks. It's like this. We don't have a diagnosis from Cleveland yet, we're still waiting on more tests and follow-ups and results and we are also looking into getting other opinions from various professionals just to gather all the perspective and idea we possibly can. HOWEVER, even though we are delving yet further into the non-diagnosis chronicles I have to share something awesome that happened this morning.

Memorial Day weekend in WV was mostly good. The weekend and events themselves were all good, I only specify "mostly" because there were periods when I didn't necessarily feel well but was able to take a step back, rest, and still manage to enjoy the days we spent at the farm (which went by way too quickly!). So while the weekend was not without bad moments, health-wise, the good times we had outweighed the not-so-good health moments so I'm counting the weekend as a W. :-)

But today. Something truly awesome happened this morning. And I can't really describe it adequately on here, typing from my phone, at 10:55pm, but just know this--it was truly awesome.

My entire life I have been a fan of singing in the shower. There have definitely been periods where the songs I've chosen for any particular shower time jam session held no real significance or importance. There have also been more times than I want to admit (or rather, more times than I could actually sit down and count) that I've given my very best (and very loud) renditions of "Part of Your World" (from The Little Mermaid) as well as POYW reprises 1&2. However the past few years, I've almost consistently only sung hymns, contemporary Christian songs, etc., and I have to think this is because those songs are impossible for me to sing without feeling uplifted.

Which I only mention to illustrate how much of a sense of defeat I have felt on all but 3 or 4 days since January when I've taken a deep breath, prepared to sing [hymn/praise song X], only to realize I either an too lightheaded or just don't have enough strength to even form the words with my mouth, much less say them aloud, much less sing them emphatically, much less sing them emphatically AND in tune, and I think this goes without saying but much, much less when you try to combine any of the above actions with remembering lyrics.

So this morning when pandora came on and Nichole Nordeman stated singing an old favorite of mine from her Woven & Spun CD, and when I was able to sing along with that, with a second song (I Stand Amazed In The Presence [of Jesus the Nazarene]), and end singing How Deep The Father's Love For Us in the most moving (and tearful/prayerful way possible), I was, indeed, amazed in the presence of The Lord. And yes, that's a huge understatement!

And just to add to his awesomeness, the text I saw on my phone was from Brenda Ross, the daily bible verse text that brightens each morning for me, and I kid you not today's verse was Psalm 59:16. And it reads:

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

I literally laughed and told God that I heard Him loud and clear and that it's ridiculous that something so seemingly simple was such a profoundly positive sign to me, but also that I know He kind of operates in the ridiculous on the regular. (Think: Job, Noah, Abraham, and well, Jesus)