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Friday, April 1, 2011

Recovery -- Lessons I've Learned at Centre

Okay, so it's after midnight on Friday, April 1st, which means it's technically Saturday, April 2nd for those of us here in the EST zone.  Which means........yes, only a mere 50 days till graduation!!

I've been reflecting for a while on the various parts of my Centre experience, the good, the not so good, and the downright bad.  Overall, though, I will say that my career as a Centre College student has been a success.  While there are some things I have done that you couldn't pay me to do again (namely, taking Econ 110, Calculus, and Psychology ALL in my first semester here), I will say that as far as my recovery has been over the past almost 4 years, I wouldn't change one thing.  Now, some of you reading this might think, "Are you serious, Becca?!  I KNOW you have struggled with your eating disorder, sometimes severely, during your time at Centre.  Are you saying you would do all that over again if you had the option to change it?!"

In answer to that question, I would say, "Yes, that's what I'm saying.  I wouldn't change a single thing....not even the steps backward.  I realize that not everyone can resonate with that statement, so I will explicate it further.  The reason I wouldn't change even the worst struggles I've had here is because I am a firm believer that EVERY SINGLE STEP on your recovery journey counts, EVEN STEPS BACKWARD, as long as you LEARN from them.  That's not to say I would ENJOY reliving the moments where I have really struggled, but I DO look at them as learning experiences, and as long as I view them as such, as learning experiences, and as long as I don't view them as "regrets," they have helped shape me into the capable, able-minded, persevering, and STRONG young woman I am becoming more and more every day.  (Wow, I really didn't mean to praise myself there, but those are qualities I feel I have been developing for countless years, particularly the past 4 years, and I am going to be PROUD of them, daggone it!!)

In any case, I feel an urgent need to write this post before I forget what has been on my mind tonight.  Without further ado, here are the Recovery lessons I've learned while at Centre.  And if I'm being honest, some of them don't necessarily ONLY apply to Ed recovery....it's just that that's the vein they have taken on for me.

(Not in any particular order....not chronological, not from lesser to more important significance....just writing them as they come to me).


Lesson 1:  Recovery, much like grades at Centre, cannot be perfect.
Before I came to Centre, I had never received anything less than an "A" on a report card.  Also, before I came to Centre, I put tremendous pressure on myself to have the "perfect" recovery, even though I logically KNEW there was no such thing and I was only setting myself up for failure.  I will never forget that Monday we got our Econ 110 midterms back after Fall Break freshman year (it was a 9:10 class, in case you're wondering, and the midterm was 35% of our final grade, in case you're doubting my ability to remember).  I got a 19.  No, that's not a 19/20....I got a 19%.  You can imagine how big of a shock it was to me (this had been my first Centre test) when I saw that midterm!!  I had been so sure I had known what I was doing....there was no way, I, Rebecca Jackson, was going to fail that test.  I don't get failing grades.  Riiiight.  That midterm was what I like to call my "wake-up call."  That was the first time I realized, "Okay, Bec, you're not in high school anymore....you obviously can't get straight A's in college."  Did that mean I was okay with the grade??  Of course not.  Who would be??  But did it mean that I quit trying, gave up on the class, and dropped out of school??  Heck no.  I worked my butt off in that class (and in Calculus and Psychology, both classes in which I also received not great test grades, but at least passed the tests) and ended up passing.  Sure, maybe it was a marginal passing grade, but it was still a passing grade.  I picked myself up, got my Gen. Ed. credit, and moved on.  I wish I could say I learned this lesson about not being able to have a "perfect" recovery as early as I learned it was okay to have non-perfect grades, but to be honest, I'm not sure I realized this fully until this past Fall semester (senior year) or maybe even this Spring semester.  And really, I'm not sure if I completely believe it with every part of my being, but I logically KNOW it's true.  There have been too many instances where I have (for lack of a better phrase) screwed up....yet I'm still alive, still fighting, and am starting to accept that there is no such thing as a "perfect" recovery, and I need to be okay with that.  I AM starting to be okay with that.  It has taken several years, and I still have a ways to go, but I am becoming increasingly more okay with that every day.  Well, almost every day.  If it were really every day, that would be perfection, right??

Lesson 2:  Second chances DO exist.
Second chances....as well as third....and fourth....and more chances....are realities in almost any recovery situation, to some degree.  If I kept track of the multiple number of chances I have been given by various members of the Centre community to "do the next right thing" (not necessarily in those terms, but that is a phrase that resonates with me, so I'm using it), and if I wrote in this post about the graciousness of several faculty and staff members (some of whom may not come as readily to your mind as others, including the wonderful cafeteria greeter who let me bring my own meals to Cowan sophomore year without argument when I knew she wasn't supposed to let me do it........thank you, Sue!!), you would be reading for hours.  Thankfully, many of them know who they are (if for no other reason than I send spontaneous "thank you" notes throughout the school year for everything they have done for me), and I hope they know I am eternally grateful for the second (and third....and fourth....you get the picture) chances I have been afforded to get myself together recovery-wise (my words, not theirs) while still remaining at Centre, working toward my degree, and graduating on time!!

Lesson 3:  There will always be at least one person who believes in you and your ability to recover....and there is usually more than one.  And even when you can't feel that there is a PERSON there for you, you can ALWAYS know that GOD NEVER LEAVES YOU.
Dear heavens, I know if it weren't for the people who have been put in my path to help nudge me along the way, encourage me, and say, "Yes, you CAN do this, I KNOW you can, Becca!!", goodness knows I wouldn't be half as well-off as I am today, in any facet of life.  Whether it's any of the Centre faculty/staff that I mentioned above, or my fiance, or my family, or one of my select true friends, or our Baptist Campus Ministries advisor, or even the puppies I got to play with as part of a psych study freshman year, I can honestly say that there has always been someone I could count on when I needed someone to offer advice, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to just listen to me talk, or just to have a downright FUN NIGHT to distract me from overwhelming feelings I'm experiencing.  I honestly don't know where I'd be without each and every one of them.  Having people who believe in you is invaluable.  And while I wouldn't trade my relationships with these people for the world, I also realize and recognize that I wouldn't be anywhere without my faith in GOD, and His perfect support and guidance on my journey.

Lesson 4:  Going to the cafeteria can be fun.
Now, that is a sentence I honestly thought I would never be able to say.  Or at least, I never thought I would say it and MEAN it.  Don't get me wrong, I still hate going to the cafeteria, for the most part.  But just this semester alone I have been able to, on a few occasions, ENJOY my time there with my friends.  Sure, the food sucks (Oh, Sodexo....how I will not miss you), but if you can get past the horrible food, and for me, if I can get past my fear of eating in front of other people, and if you can focus on the conversations you have with your friends while you're there, going to Cowan doesn't suck quite as bad.  On the contrary, when you can get really wrapped up in the conversation and are able to be PRESENT at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table, mealtimes can be quite fun, indeed!!  While I know I still have a long ways to go before I can enjoy the actual eating part of the meals, I have made tremendous strides in just being able to not have an anxiety attack when I walk through the cafeteria doors.

Lesson 5:  One of the most important words you will ever learn is:  BALANCE.  Learn it.  Live it.
College is perhaps the era of life where this lesson is the most important to learn, especially for someone with an eating disorder.  You absolutely HAVE to find a balance between everything you need to do, everything you want to do....and sleep.  :)  I have learned that I can't focus all of my time and energy solely on schoolwork.  Every time I have focused on schoolwork and schoolwork alone, my recovery has really suffered a blow.  Conversely, I can't focus 100% of my time, energy, and effort on solely recovery-related things.  If I did that, my schoolwork would surely suffer.  If I focused every waking moment on what I want to focus it on, God, and neglected everything else, then I certainly wouldn't still be at this wonderful institution of higher learning.  Learning to balance God, recovery, classes, homework, clubs/extracurriculars, meals with friends, and sleep is a hard thing to do.  Especially if you want to leave any time left for FUN and RELAXATION (Facebook, Youtube, and Twitter come to mind for me).  But it is what it is....time management is a necessary part of college life, and with time management comes balance.  It's something on which I am still finding I have to constantly work, but it is doable, and my skills of balancing things well are improving.

Lesson 6:  Never give up on yourself.
This one is pretty self-explanatory.  If I gave up on myself every time I felt as if I wanted to, I have no idea if I would even be alive today.  But by the grace of God, and with the help of others, I have been able to claim my identity in Christ and know that that is where TRUTH is found, and that only be seeking God can I fully learn to trust that I am NOT destined to be a failure.  Recovery IS possible.  While I'm not 100% there yet, I know it's possible, and I have faith I will be there some day.

Thank you for reading this far, if you did.

God bless,

-Becca

Monday, March 28, 2011

Remuda East closing -- Insanity continues!!

Okay, I don't post in over a month, and now I'm posting twice in one day.  This really merits a post, though.  I am infuriated!!

The Eating Disorders Coalition (EDC) blogged today about how Remuda East (the Virginia branch of the Remuda Ranch Residential Treatment Center) will be closing its doors due to....yep, you guessed it....LACK OF COVERAGE BY INSURANCE COMPANIES.

*steps on soapbox*

I don't know why I'm surprised.  I mean, when I was a patient at Remuda Ranch in Arizona, Anthem BC/BS (who was a leading contributor to RR East closing its doors) didn't cover a single penny of my stay!!  Since that was the case, RR was willing to work out a payment plan which put my family paying quite a bit every month for five years.  I know for a FACT that I am not the only person denied treatment access by an insurance company.  And I know that there are probably millions of individuals out there who cannot receive treatment at all because they are not as fortunate as I was....their families wouldn't be able to do what mine did, simply because of life circumstances.  I was lucky.  I am blessed.

BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT THIS IS WRONG!!!!

How many individuals are going to have to pay the ultimate price (death) before these insurance companies get the picture?!  How many individuals will have to go untreated because their insurance companies ARE NOT working FOR them, but instead are OPPOSING them?!  In an age where more and more treatment facilities should be OPENING (do to growing demand in recent years), we instead have wonderful facilities like Remuda East CLOSING because the insurance companies won't PAY UP.

Did you know Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of ANY mental illness??  Get that??  That means MORE PEOPLE DIE EACH YEAR FROM ANOREXIA NERVOSA THAN FROM ANY OTHER MENTAL ILLNESS.  And did you know that individuals who suffer with Anorexia Nervosa receive the least amount of insurance coverage compared to, say, Schizophrenia??  Why on EARTH would insurance companies deny coverage to those who suffer?!

I realize this post is being written out of pure emotionality on my part, but seriously....what is it going to TAKE for insurance companies to get it through their heads that they need to offer coverage to clients suffering with eating disorders?!

I would LIKE to be able to say that I don't think every insurance provider sits around and is happy with the way they treat their clients who suffer with these disorders, but I can't help but think that only cold, callous people could stand to work for companies who CLEARLY DO NOT have their PAYING clients' best interests in mind.

Reasons like the closing of Remuda East are why things like the FREED Act (Federal Response to Eliminate Eating Disorders) are so important.

It is absolutely sickening to think of the amount of insurance coverage (or lack of coverage, rather) eating disorders receive.

*steps off soapbox*

A&F mistake. BIG mistake.

Wow, okay, so it's been a long time since I've blogged (over a month.....yikes!!), but I finally have something for inspiration....the newest "trend" from Abercrombie and Fitch....padded, push-up bikinis for girls as young as 7 years old!!

First, here's the article link:

http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/12003880493293/abercrombie-fitch-sells-padded-bikini-tops-to-young-girls/

There are so many things wrong with this article...where to start??

I think I'll start by saying A&F is in the wrong because they are objectifying SEVEN YEAR OLDS.  They are sending the message to LITTLE GIRLS that they need to be sexualized in order to be accepted.  They are telling SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRLS that their bodies are not good as they are.  Also, no seven year olds I know need a bra, which would mean the "push-up" part of this bikini would serve no purpose.  Even if these were designed for teens, though, I would still find fault in them because they would still be spreading the MYTH that a girl's/woman's body is only acceptable when she alters it with an outside force.

But we're NOT talking about teenagers or women.  Padded, push-up bathing suits have been sold to teenagers for decades.  Trying to change that would be little more than a futile effort.  But listen to me....we HAVE to change the sexualized image A&F is promoting to these young girls.

How can we expect young girls to refrain from dieting if they are told they are not "good enough" by any standard??  How can we expect young girls (maybe this applies more starting in the teens) to not "sell" their body by trying to make it look like what society deems appealing (which objectifies them to the extreme).

I don't know what Abercrombie and Fitch is smoking to think that this would be a good idea.  They obviously know seven year old girls don't buy their own clothes, and that causes me to wonder....what kind of parents would buy such a thing for their little girl??  Obviously there are some who would, but that doesn't make it right.  Not at all.

Sorry this was more of a rant than anything....I just needed to make my opinion known.

-Becca