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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Under My Skin

At 3:00am (a short while ago) I was inspired to write the following poem. For both those of you who are new readers if my blog and those of you who are long time readers, know that while this blog is typically an eating disorder pro-recovery blog, it has morphed into a self-exploration/contemplation blog and this poem is actually something I have written about my newest struggle: the diagnosis of late stage Chronic Lyme Disease.  The poem is entitled 'Under My Skin'.  Read if you feel so inclined.

Under my skin

There are lots of things that get under my skin.
When people curse the name of God or the country they're living in--
When children are hurt and have no choice but to walk around on eggshells and pins--
When justice is served from an outside party instead of within--

Politicians whose rabble seems to have no end.
And talk show doctors who sell out to fit in.
And professionals testing extensively and expensively despite not knowing where to begin.
And celebrities who jump on the bandwagon for fame--for us, defeat, for them, a win.

Assertions that we'll never live fully again.
Ignoring the reality of our minds' din.
The clinging and clanging of pencils and pens,
And paper and lamplights and city trash bins.
All enough to make our minds whirl and heads spin.

And they wonder why such commonplace things get under my skin.

Perhaps it's worthwhile to consider again--
That all of these things get under my skin
because that's where it is--under my skin.
Sure, I may look fine but you see the outside, not in.
The war rages deep, my nerve system weeps, under my skin.
The aching and pain and confusion and rain all live together under my skin.
Because that's where it is--under my skin.

It attacks and desires for me to give in,
But I refuse to obey what's under my skin.
Yes, there are days I only stay in.
And yes, there are times I feel I can't win.
But my God is stronger--the Beginning and End.
So how can this monster under my skin
Make me doubt enough to give up or give in?

Since my God is the Beginning and the End,
I have hope that He'll carry me through, yet again.
He's proved it immeasurably through thick and thin--
How naive would I be to think He won't still win?

My struggles may seem insurmountable and I don't know when,
But I WILL get back to my full life again.
I will one day again skate for hours on end.
I will walk my dog several times 'round the bend.
I will drive my car around town, with windows down, and enjoy the wind.
I don't have a mind that is satisfied with 'mend'--
I operate on principles of 'healing completely'--with God on my team, worldly answers I'll transcend.
Because I do not accept this diminished functionality as my story's end.

God's writing my book as I travel the bends,
And the twists and the turns and the bumps and amends.
My story's not over--there's still more to go--more than I can even begin to comprehend.

But rest assured, I am a fighter, my friends.
And fight on I will, till God writes 'The End'

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